Go Fish Galvez

10. Being too busy to prune your houseplants, you prefer to have it done automatically, in the dead of night, one salad leaf at a time.

9. It is a known fact that freshly laundered bath towels stay fresher in a wad on the floor, lightly dusted with fur and feline detritus.

8. Speaking of bathrooms (after all, they are such wild and intriguing places), rather than resort to the pedestrian toilet tissue holder, you prefer to pluck yours in small batches from shredded heaps on the floor.

7. Guitar stands are hipper, and not much less useful, with the knobs on their cradles entirely gnawed off.

6. Flotation experiments are fun: Make your old science teacher proud by observing both cat and dog toys, daily dunked in the dog’s water bowl, and measuring their absorption rates.

5. Precious little is more relaxing than porch sitting on a mild evening, soothed by the aeolian strains of incessant yowling that emanates as a consequence from the interior side of an old screen door.

4. Table lamps, as everyone knows, are best busted up in threes. It’s good luck.

Three 3′s here, since my math is bad (but my luck is good!):

3. Interesting factoid: A pit bull can indeed be conditioned to cower. Be the first on your block to have one.

3. Glorious hardwoods are even more stunning with deeply incised scratches from cartoon running.

3. Upending overturned garbage cans on a daily basis has been clinically proven to be excellent aerobic exercise.

But back to the count:

2. Litter boxes. What’s not to love?

And the NUMBER ONE reason to keep “trouble” indoors:

1. The biggest kick in life is being awakened at 2:00 of the wee by the sound of a blaring house alarm set off God knows how, a jolt to the heart made dearer still by the sinking knowledge that when you bought the house, the system was already installed, yet with no accompanying operating manual and no alarm shut-off codes. Sweet!

Lesson here? Is there one? Actually, there are two. Pick your favorite:

1. Get a dog. A big slobbering dog, a small annoying yapper, even a pit bull (cowering or not), it doesn’t matter. They’re way less “trouble.”

2. Buy a cheap ID tag, open the back door, and wish your feline fair winds. She—and you—will thank you for it.

Oh, I almost forgot: Happy New Year!